Tuesday, 15 November 2016
Social Media pt2
As with every day, today I got up in an ok mood, not really one way or the other. I freaked out early that I had gotten the day wrong, but I hadn't, so I calmed down again. I had a text I didn't want to have, and that took the shine off a little. I finished listening to a TED talk from last night about depression, and it made some good points, so I didn't feel anxious. I was still trying to catch up on sleep from a few days ago, when I didn't sleep for an entire weekend, and just sat up trying to keep my thoughts quiet with documentaries. So I got up very late, and went to fetch some breakfast. I tried to keep a positive frame of mind by putting on a shirt with shorter sleeves so that hopefully I could do some painting at some point during the day and not use the wrong clothes as any kind of excuse. I brought my breakfast back upstairs because I was ashamed of the time and I felt like the people in the street 150 metres away across the field and over the wall might decide to come up the drive and would look at me. I looked at Facebook on my computer, and almost immediately had a combination of the hedonists telling me how great their party had been at the weekend (the one I'd been too scared to go to), and the nihilists telling me indirectly that I ought to die. And now I'm not sure how to do anything, because I lost the little piece of motivation I had this morning, and I want to go to bed, although I've only been up an hour. It was my own fault, I was foolish to see what people I know were up to. I can't believe any of them are my friends. Why would they be? I can't see any part of myself that isn't a persona that they would like. They have standards.
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
Social Media
Today was a bad day. Yesterday, by contrast, was very good. Until I got home. It wasn't particularly home that bothered me - apart from my dad telling me that the jacket that makes me feel happy and confident enough to travel was too informal for visiting an Art School for an open day - an open day, I'd like to say, that only I turned up to, and therefore had a very intense time meeting all the tutors and department heads, and that I was very happy with my reaction to. I was on my way back, and feeling full of ideas, but still pretty tired, as it'd been quite a busy day, and my social anxiety, especially among the other students, had made me very tense. So I settled in to talk to some friends. Only none of them wanted to talk, though I tried my best to be as funny as I could without sounding full of myself after the first successful day in ages. So I was disappointed with FB, but I thought I'd see if I had any message replies on the dating site I'm on. I didn't. So I went looking for people that looked fun and might be in the area I'd move to, if I could. I sent out some links, and songs, and chat, and got no responses, except for one guy who told me he was too busy to deal with me. Nice, real nice. That makes about 30 I've contacted since I joined in the beginning of August, and as yet, no one has sent me a friendly reply.
Today, I got up and was in a slightly strange place, as I was trying to help my brother keep pepped up for a job interview. After he left, I felt sad, still dwelling on having no replies on either site (or a job of my own, a source of great shame to me) - so I had a sit down, and that turned into a lie down, and that turned into a daydream of whirling thoughts, and suddenly he was back and I hadn't even had a shower. So the day started quite badly. But he got the job, so I was happy for him. I was jealous, too. But I couldn't handle his job myself, so what am I to do about it? So we watched some funny stuff with a celebratory cup of tea, but I felt like I was making him sit with me, because he was more interested in texting his girlfriend than watching the things I had to show him, which is more than fair enough. But it was a bit of a shame, as I was already feeling rather fragile. For some reason, as is always the case at the moment, I was so tired, I was falling asleep at my desk. So I had a quick sleep, then went downstairs to see my parents return from having tests at the hospital. I was very fuzzy from my nap, so I said hello to everyone, having been told they wouldn't know the test results until much later. I decided to go back upstairs and stop embarrassing myself by not knowing what to say. On my way out, my mum said 'he's not dying by the way' in a tone that suggested I should have asked. Maybe I was stupid, but I felt that they'd probably be nervous about the wait, and they would say if they wanted, and having just woken up, that seemed to make sense. So I felt worse, as now I was guilty as well as self-examining.
So I went upstairs, this now being 1pm, and nothing being done at all, and sat at my computer. I checked Facebook again, had no messages, felt worse, but couldn't settle to anything because I felt like I was being watched, especially if I put my headphones on. Mum came up for a chat, which helped for a while, but I still couldn't work out what the best use of my time was. I had some lunch, which was fine, then walked down to the doctors to rearrange some appointments. When we got back, I started thinking again, and immediately began to go over my usual mantras. I started to feel very bad, and went to sit in my room. I was feeling too sad to pick myself up and get my headphones, so I read the news, felt even worse, and had a good cry. Mum came in again, and sat down with me. I told her I was feeling so worthless, it was pointless to try and improve anything. She suggested I shouldn't think about it, and go watch a film, have something to eat, or accept it was hormones.
The thing is, I've been feeling this bad for a long time. I feel completely devoid of energy, motivation, hope, self-esteem, stability, belief. I didn't really have the heart to say I probably would've taken up her suggestion of watching something, but for some reason, it felt almost impossible to go into the next room to get my headphones, and I wasn't going to break the habit of a lifetime and listen to something on speakers - people might not like it, and then I couldn't listen to it any more, because their disapproval would poison it for me. In the end, she lost patience, and left, telling me not to be so self-indulgent, and that I should just be grateful that my dad doesn't have cancer - as the tests this morning showed. The trouble is, when you're feeling as terrible and self-analytical as I am, and I've had enough sleep, food, and am on medication 4x stronger than Prozac every day, and I can't break out of it to be pleased about stuff I know I should be pleased about - I think there must be something wrong with me, and it goes deeper than creating a drama, surely?
Today, I got up and was in a slightly strange place, as I was trying to help my brother keep pepped up for a job interview. After he left, I felt sad, still dwelling on having no replies on either site (or a job of my own, a source of great shame to me) - so I had a sit down, and that turned into a lie down, and that turned into a daydream of whirling thoughts, and suddenly he was back and I hadn't even had a shower. So the day started quite badly. But he got the job, so I was happy for him. I was jealous, too. But I couldn't handle his job myself, so what am I to do about it? So we watched some funny stuff with a celebratory cup of tea, but I felt like I was making him sit with me, because he was more interested in texting his girlfriend than watching the things I had to show him, which is more than fair enough. But it was a bit of a shame, as I was already feeling rather fragile. For some reason, as is always the case at the moment, I was so tired, I was falling asleep at my desk. So I had a quick sleep, then went downstairs to see my parents return from having tests at the hospital. I was very fuzzy from my nap, so I said hello to everyone, having been told they wouldn't know the test results until much later. I decided to go back upstairs and stop embarrassing myself by not knowing what to say. On my way out, my mum said 'he's not dying by the way' in a tone that suggested I should have asked. Maybe I was stupid, but I felt that they'd probably be nervous about the wait, and they would say if they wanted, and having just woken up, that seemed to make sense. So I felt worse, as now I was guilty as well as self-examining.
So I went upstairs, this now being 1pm, and nothing being done at all, and sat at my computer. I checked Facebook again, had no messages, felt worse, but couldn't settle to anything because I felt like I was being watched, especially if I put my headphones on. Mum came up for a chat, which helped for a while, but I still couldn't work out what the best use of my time was. I had some lunch, which was fine, then walked down to the doctors to rearrange some appointments. When we got back, I started thinking again, and immediately began to go over my usual mantras. I started to feel very bad, and went to sit in my room. I was feeling too sad to pick myself up and get my headphones, so I read the news, felt even worse, and had a good cry. Mum came in again, and sat down with me. I told her I was feeling so worthless, it was pointless to try and improve anything. She suggested I shouldn't think about it, and go watch a film, have something to eat, or accept it was hormones.
The thing is, I've been feeling this bad for a long time. I feel completely devoid of energy, motivation, hope, self-esteem, stability, belief. I didn't really have the heart to say I probably would've taken up her suggestion of watching something, but for some reason, it felt almost impossible to go into the next room to get my headphones, and I wasn't going to break the habit of a lifetime and listen to something on speakers - people might not like it, and then I couldn't listen to it any more, because their disapproval would poison it for me. In the end, she lost patience, and left, telling me not to be so self-indulgent, and that I should just be grateful that my dad doesn't have cancer - as the tests this morning showed. The trouble is, when you're feeling as terrible and self-analytical as I am, and I've had enough sleep, food, and am on medication 4x stronger than Prozac every day, and I can't break out of it to be pleased about stuff I know I should be pleased about - I think there must be something wrong with me, and it goes deeper than creating a drama, surely?
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